I’m becoming a curmudgeon when it comes to certain technology – more specifically my cell phone. Most days, I wish I could just throw it out and not worry about potential phone calls. Unfortunately, my cell phone also serves as my watch. Hence, I’ve been on the lookout for a cool looking digital watch (so I don’t strain my eyes reading the time), preferably one with a calculator. Then I found this:
The Wize and Ope Slider Watch looks super sleek and would make me look oh-so-European – like maybe I could be a part of Ikea. It’s water resistant – totes can shower with this. Alas, at $75, it’s putting a bit of a dent into my pocket, BUT the rubber/plastic watch comes with interchangeable plastic slides!
A few weeks ago I got a ticket for driving on the shoulder to avoid cars making a turn. Apparently, that costs you $85 and two points. Maybe if I had this in my car, I would’ve saved myself a ticket?
The Dough Nu-Matic creates mini-donuts in 50 seconds! For $130, you add dough, and the machine deep fries and spits out donuts.
Also an ideal gift for Rick Warren, who claims to feed Proposition 8 protesters with doughnuts and water. He’d save a fortune with this automatic donut maker.
On another note, doesn’t this product remind you an awful lot of The Cornballer, which deep fries everything, including fingers?
So our dear friend, Ari Gold, came down with a bad bout of mercury poisoning this week. Shucks – had to leave his Broadway play and all. Writer David Mamet understood Piven as saying, “he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.” Apparently, eating sushi twice a day and taking Chinese “herbal medication” caused this mercury poisoning.
In honor of Hanukkah (which starts the 21st), I offer Piven these gifts:
The Audiovox Digital Message Center allows you to leave notes and reminders on your fridge. Not only can you leave hand-written notes, but you can post video and audio messages. This is perfect for someone who may have mercury poisoning, since memory loss is often a symptom. For $150, this board also includes a clock, post-its and dry erase board.
The iTouchless Multifunction Walking Cane not only serves as a walking aid, but it has an alarm clock and light. Piven may have some trouble walking, but with this collapsible cane, he’ll have no trouble getting to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Wha, wha. No raw fish for Piven. Instead of actual sushi, how about candy sushi? He can definitely eat candy sushi more than twice a day without the fear of mercury poisoning. The Washi Boxes feature an assortment of maki and seafood pieces. Chocolate, gummy candies and rice cookies replace the actual fish, rice and vegetables.
I offer this gift with no snark – Musical Spongebob Digital Thermometer. The singing rectal thermometer plays upon insertion. Fear not, it is mercury-free and will cheer you right up upon insertion.
My grandma is the cutest. A farmer, a baker, and always a pusher of food. Since she’s across hte ocean, I haven’t had a chance to send her anything yet. If I had a chance, I’d send her the following gifts [Note: These recommendations are also good for other Eastern European grandmothers]:
This head band, doubling as earmuffs, comes in alpaca, bamboo and wool. Yeah, $80 is a bit much, but if it means my grandma won’t get cold when she’s digging up those potatoes, then it’s worth it.
Grandma loves making her kids pierogies, but making pierogies gets a little messy especially with the flour. This Santa apron, only $32, would surely make her smile, then ask “What do you want to eat? Aren’t you hungry, even though you just ate five minutes ago?” She’d love it so much, that she’d wear it in June.
This is hip, utensil-themed dish towel. For $16, this would go along with the apron.
The Museum of Kitschy Stitches is nostalgia for grandma. I’m digging the hat on the cover – maybe she can help me make one in red?
Finally, a three-piece set of Matryoshka measuring cups. She bought me a set of Babushka stacking dolls when I was younger, so she’d totally dig the theme, and at $28 from Anthropologie, it could be worse.
Always a fan of facial hair, but it’s also so hip to be sporting a ’stache now. Actually, maybe I’ve been jealous all these years of those with the ability to grow facial hair like the fine men below.
Instead of skipping on waxing your upper lip, ladies, or wishing hard enough for a ’stache to grow in, young teenage boys and Obama, you can wear a sterling silver stache on a chain! Here’s the best part – this also doubles as a inspector and/or adventurer guise!
Choose from Inspector Clouseau (Pink Panther) or Phileas Fogg (Around the World in 80 Days). Clouseau is the way to go with his thinner, rulier mustache, and it helps with fulfilling those secret fantasies of wanting to be a trenchcoat-wearing inspector.
Unfortunately, at $160/170, it may just be easier gluing some hair onto your upper lip.
My cell phone and I have battled many times. It often hides from me when somebody’s calling. I once thought I lost it, so I texted a friend to tell them I lost my phone. Mind you, I texted from my own phone.
I think our battles may be done, finally. I may have won with the Light Badge.
The Light Badge remains unlit until your phone is ringing, and then it lights up either red or blue (your choice). The broach-sized badge has a pin attachment, so you can wear it around town. No longer will I have to check my phone in a noisy restaurant to see if any of my legions of friends have left me adoring messages. No. Now, my pin will show me when someone is trying to reach me.
“O, Hai! This TGI Friday’s is so noisy. What? You called to tell me that you’re my biggest fan? Thank goodness this light badge alerted me. Yes, I’ll be there Sunday, Grandma. Bai.” – [an excerpt from this man's phone call]
Sometimes, I feel like a bit of a Lucille Bluth, in that I could probably drink an entire bottle of wine in one sitting. At family parties, this proves to be a problem when repeatedly approaching the bar, and my mom stops to scold and inform me that I am a drunk.
Thank goodness for Hammacher Schlemmer, maker of all things ridiculous, for making The Full Bottle Wine Glass, a wine glass large enough to contain one whole bottle of wine. Heavyweights can now get drunk off one glass of wine.
Lucille Bluth should probably be holding this glass at all times in the upcoming Arrested Development movie.
I would gladly trade a purse (and back/shoulder pain it comes with) for a fanny pack any day of the week.
The Claw Money Fanny Pack, from the Bust Boobtique, harkens Golden Girls nostalgia. Sophia and crew were definitely wise for choosing fanny packs over purses, despite a recent study citing that old people may not be that “wise.” Whatevz, scientists.
Getting drunk will never be out of style in New York, despite what Susan Cheever wrote in a New York Timesblog this week. New York, at least what I’ve seen, is still boozin’ with its bells on. What better way to prove Cheever wrong then with this “hoot” of a flask.
Clearly targeted for the young and young at heart, the Orange Owl Printed Flask from Urban Outfitters is only $18, which means you can fill it with non-plastic bottled liquor. Maybe you can even use it to get drunk in front of Cheever!
The Wize and Ope Slider Watch looks super sleek and would make me look oh-so-European – like maybe I could be a part of Ikea. It’s water resistant – totes can shower with this. Alas, at $75, it’s putting a bit of a dent into my pocket, BUT the rubber/plastic watch comes with interchangeable plastic slides!
This 
This is hip, utensil-themed dish 
“O, Hai! This TGI Friday’s is so noisy. What? You called to tell me that you’re my biggest fan? Thank goodness this light badge alerted me. Yes, I’ll be there Sunday, Grandma. Bai.” – [an excerpt from this man's phone call]
